A Quiet Piece of Longing – Two

Midnight. Somewhere outside a motel six in downtown Phoenix, Arizona. It was a fine summer night and the air was dry. I had just come into town the backway. Straight from the empty desert. My hair was undone. There were bags around my sleepless eyes. And I stunk like cigarettes, weed, and one two many cans of beer. I was ragged.

And outside room one-seventy-six stood a tall woman in a sun hat. Brown flowing hair. Kurt Cobain sunglasses. Pink painted nails and cherry-red lipstick.

“Hey.” I said, approaching. “What are you doing here?”

She turned and lowered the cigarette from her mouth. Then she took her sunglasses off. Beautiful blue eyes. “A hundred for a fuck. Seventy-five for me to suck your dick.”

I smiled and said, “How about a thousand for you to go on road trip with me?”

She paused and drew back. Perhaps I had come off too strong. “A road trip? To where? Who even are you?”

“My name’s Thomas. And it could be anywhere—there’s no time limit. No direction.”

“Sounds fun. I’ve been thinking of getting out of here anyway.”

“Why don’t you come inside with me?”

“Show the cash first.”

I gave her the cash and led her by the hand into my room. I shoved her against the wall all ferocious like, and tore her garments apart. She kissed me up and down and I did the same. I slipped it inside and she panted in heat.

Her beautiful, wretched nails dug into my skin and I nibbled on her neck. She enjoyed all of it and so did I. She let out a sigh and relaxed against my body. I laid a kiss on her red lips.

Several minutes later and I was sitting in bed rolling a joint. She sat on the edge of the bed putting her clothes back on. She had just got out of the shower and was now brushing her hair.

“That was fun.” She said.

“Yeah, it was. By the way, what’s your name?”

“Alice.” She said. “I’m from Seattle.”

“Ah, I’ve always wanted to check that place out. I’m from LA.”

“Los Angeles? So I guess you just left?”

“That’s just you guessing. I haven’t been there in a couple months.”

“What made you leave?”

“A lot of things.” I sat up and lit the joint. I took a few puffs and then passed it to her. I felt the wave of relaxation and smiled. My eyes had gone red already.

“Why does your face do that?”

I paused. “Do what?”

“It just falls flat sometimes.” She turned to me. “Are you a robot?”

“I can’t tell. But I’ll give you a hundred never to ask me that again.”

She giggled. “You’re a pretty good fuck. I’ll give you ten if you kiss me.”

“Then come here.”

We kissed and she fell back onto the bed. She gave the joint to me and I finished it off, then flicked the roach away. “You wanna get out of here with me tomorrow?”

“Well, where would we go?”

“Anywhere. The destination doesn’t matter.”

“And what would we do?”

“Have sex. Gamble. Smoke weed. There’s a lot of things.”

She let out a loud laugh. “Oh yeah, we’d definitely be doing all of that, right? Fuck it, I’ll come with.”

“Sounds great. And I got cash for days, by the way.”

She sat by the edge of the bed brushing her hair. “Hey, how do you have so much money?”

“It’s back from my dealing days. I’ve been saving up for years.”

“You must’ve made a lot then.” She put her socks on and turned to me. “What’s LA like?”

“Lots of traffic, thin roads, food everywhere, and a whole lot of shitty people. What’s Seattle like?”

“It rains a lot, I like it. It’s a big city so there’s always something to do. Better than LA, I guess?”

“Maybe. Say we head to Seattle after Vegas?”

She smiled and fell back. “Sounds good.” Alice reached into her purse and tossed a white bag onto the dresser. “I got coke—you want some?”

“Sure.”

We each did two lines. Instantly I felt the head rush and leaned back. My nose began to bleed a bit but I wiped it away. I was completely fine and completely spinning. It was great. For the rest of the night, we’d stay up doing drugs and talking.

“Pick one place you can go for vacation. And it can’t be Seattle.” I said.

She mumbled a second and then said, “Hawaii. Beautiful place, hot weather, and beautiful palm trees.”

“You’re envisioning it wrong, you know. You’re describing California.”

She grabbed her purse and thrusted it into my chest. Kinda hurt. “Well, how am I supposed to know? Where would you go?”

“I’d go… well, I’m not sure. What I already want is already here. I can go anywhere and say anything. Each place is just a brand new start.”

“So you’d just rather travel?”

“Exactly. It’s quite fine when no one knows you.”

She took a step back. “Well that explains a lot.”

“What do you mean?”

“You either harbor a dislike of people, or you’re just scared of them. And I’m not sure which.”

I laughed until I coughed up smoke. “It’s both.” I wheezed.

“And why’s that?”

“People just bore me. The world bores me. It’s just draining having to be shoved into roles and molds with a shit ton of expectations. Nothing ever works in this society. I’d rather just be lonely and broke and hungry than live whatever we call life.”

She frowned. “You sound depressed.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” I said, trying to sound like her. She laughed wildly and fell off the bed, then continued to laugh. I wasn’t sure if something was broken with her, or that she had just really liked my joke. Alice was a crazy girl.

It was now four A.M. and I fell fast asleep. I had a dream of waking up as a child to my house being completely empty. There was a knock on the door. I climbed down the stairs and slowly made it to the door. I remember the feeling of my heart racing. I opened the door, and my father stood there. He was disheveled. Scratchy, gross beard. Dirt caked on his face and arms. And he had a robotic eye and a metal glove. He asked if I wanted to go for a ride and I said yes.

We drove around L.A. and found it to be in pieces. Rubble littered the roads and abandoned cars sat by, unattended. My father explained to me that the world had ended. But why, I did not know. He then dropped me off at a homeless shelter, where the survivors were. And then he disappeared. I woke up.

In the morning, I had a quick smoke outside. Then I walked in to see Alice getting ready. “Seems like you slept soundly.” She said.

“Yeah, I did. Had a weird dream, though.”

“Isn’t that normal?”

“Not for me, it isn’t.”

“Hey, you think we could stop for some food?”

“Sure.”

Gas, food, and lodging would be no problem. I had so much stacked up from my dealing days I could travel on it for quite a while. It was also the fact that I ate very little and drank even less. Most of my money just went to stingy motel rooms and drugs.

We traveled through Wickenburg and passed through a deserted town. The desert heat was nigh unbearable, and my AC was broken. The windows were all rolled down and I was hanging my arm out the window. Alice had her seat tilted back and placed her feet on the dash.

Passing through Flagstaff we stopped at a park and enjoyed the cool weather. It was the kind of town you’d want to return to in the winter. Walking around, I couldn’t help but imagine it in the snow. Alice held my hand the entire time and talked my ear off.

We passed through Kingman and came to the hoover dam. I stayed away from the crowd while Alice took selfies of her and the water. “Hey!” She said. “Come over here!”

“What? Why?”

“Cause I wanna take pictures with you! That a problem?”

I sighed and walked up. She hung her head on my shoulder, pursed her lips, and then snapped the photos. “We’re done!” She said, and then kissed me. We headed back into the car and got on the road once more.

“Vegas is only sixty miles away. Got any idea where we should stay?”

“There’s probably a lot of cheap motels.”

“Well, I’m thinking of splurging.” I said.

“And how are we gonna do that?”

“How bout’ this—both of us get two hundred dollars to gamble. With a room of two-fifty that’s four-hundred-fifty dollars. And then I’d still have a ton left over.”

“Oh man, you’ve been saving for this road trip for a while, huh?”

I cringed. “Well, I left suddenly. I just happened to have the funds.”

We hopped back in the car and sped down the road. We had entered Nevada. “Gambling sounds fun.” She said. “I know how to hack those spin machines.”

“No way.”

“Seriously! I do! You just punch it real funny. Hard to describe.”

I then began to feel the familiar distance between Alice and I. That black feeling again. Then the world started looking warped. Alice was a human being. She laughed, she smiled, she danced. And what did I do? I was no less than a spectre, a non-entity.

I hadn’t called my family in months. The last time I spoke to my mother was four months ago. I made the mistake of calling her at a payphone in Utah. I don’t know why I called. It just seemed like the right thing to do.

“Oh. My. GOD!” She squealed.

“Yes, I’m safe.”

“You just took off like that? No goodbyes?”

“Mom, I’ve been on a road trip.”

“To where?”

“Well, anywhere. Why are you interrogating me?”

“I’m not interrogating you. I just want you to come home.”

“I don’t want to go home. I think there’s something wrong with me.”

“And what’s that?”

“I feel numb but that’s not quite it. Like there’s just a malaise surrounding me. Everything seems foggy. I don’t even like talking to people.”

“So what do you do on the road?”

“Can you listen?”

“What have you been doing?”

“Just driving around. Meeting people.”

“Are you high?”

“Sometimes. Just weed though.”

“Promise me you’ll be safe?”

“I already said that. Yes, I’m safe.”

“Okay…”

“Bye.”

I decided never to call again unless forced too. Like if I was kidnapped and they gave me one call home for ransom money. But even then I’d keep it short. “Mother, I’ve been kidnapped. They’re demanding fifteen grand in ransom. I can pay you back if enough deals go my way for once. Please deliver the money before midnight.” Then I’d hang up and wait for my savior to arrive.

I was content with the wandering life. I was content if I never went back home. Place to place. Person to person. The regular nine-to-five then-you-die was not for me. In fact, I didn’t feel like life was for me.

Everyone has a sense of self. An idea of who they are—formed by early impressions of the world. But who was me? Where was me? My early impressions of the world were cold, lonely, and lacking. There wasn’t any horrible abuse done to me. I wasn’t chained up and beaten with a belt. I wasn’t kidnapped. But I was surrounded by emotion both strong and dangerous. A lot of pressure was put on me. Over time, that can crack. Or numb out.

We arrived at the hotel around eight P.M. and I went up to the room on the seventeenth floor. Nothing too special. A bed and a bath. Abstract paintings on the wall. I went out on the balcony for a quick smoke and then downstairs to the poker table.

I was always good at poker. I kept a good face and had luck on my side. I even learned how to count cards and how to do it casually. So as not to draw any attention. I ended up winning my two-hundred back.

Then I wandered over to the slot machines and found Alice giddy. “What?” I said. “More coke?”

“Don’t be a dick.” She said. “I just won a hundred.”

“And how much did you put in?”

“Fifteen.”

“And how much have you lost?”

“A hundred.”

“So you got seventy-five. Good for you. I’m gonna go out for a joint. You want any?”

She grabbed the cash and slid it into the machine. Preparing to press the button. “No, I’m good. I’m gonna stay here and spin.”

“Well you have fun with that.”

I grabbed a drink from the bar before I headed out. Scotch was nice once in a while. Back in a highschool I was quite the drinker. We’d pick up a friend who was twenty-one, pool our cash together, and grab drinks. Sometimes just single shots. Then we’d drive out of town to a nice spot and party. I soon finished my scotch and then wandered outside.

Weed always had a way of fucking with my memory. Too much and I’d get paranoid and hallucinate false ones. Seriously, that happens. Too little and I’d be out of myself. Just enough and I’d be feeling all fine and dandy. More self-aware. Buried memories surfacing. I say this, as the joint happened to be just enough.

I remembered driving around with friends in the next town over. We were forty miles away from home and debating whether to go further.

“We have twenty bucks for gas.” One of them said.

“That’s enough to go to the next city.”

“Now, I can’t go out of state cuz’ of probation. If we go, there can be no fucking police involved.” The other one said.

“Don’t worry.” I said. “No police, promise. I’ll drive.”

We arrived at the city at one-in-the-morning and wandered around the downtown section. We even explored a hotel. Me and my buddy knocked on all the motel rooms, then ran away.

When one of them opened we bolted for the stairs and ran down them at light speed. And as you can see, this created a lot of noise. When we got back in the group, security found us walking across the casino floor. But this was hotel security. All they could do is issue us a fake warning. Safe and sound to head back home.

I put the joint out and headed up to the room. Alice was laying in bed watching the television. “Hey.”

“Hey.” I kissed her and she was surprised. But she wrapped her arms around me.

I ripped her jeans off and tugged at her pink laced underwear. Sticking a finger in, I kissed her and rubbed her. She moved on top of me and began bouncing viciously. I kissed her on the neck and then moved down. She held onto me with all of her strength and moaned.

“I love you, you know.” She said.

“…”

“I love you, I said.”

I came and pulled away. “I…” I said with a blank look.

She paused and drew back with a curious look. “And what does that mean?”

“I love you.”

“Uhuh. Is there something wrong?”

“No. Not at all. Can we continue?”

“You’re not sure if you care?”

I sighed. “Now, I didn’t say that.”

“No, what did you mean by that? Tell me.”

“I don’t know what you want from me, Alice.” I said. “I’m not a human being. I don’t feel like you do.”

“Okay, then I’m gonna go. You can… not be a human here.” She stood up and went for the door.

“Wait!” I called out.

“Thomas, what’s wrong with you?”

“I don’t know.”

She closed the door. I sighed and turned over, throwing the blankets onto me. I had trouble falling asleep. I kept staring up at the ceiling smoking cigarettes and waiting for her return. Eventually I did fall asleep, and the previous dream continued.

I was at the homeless shelter again and wandered outside. Cars were left abandoned on the highway and mist covered everything. Eventually, I wandered to my childhood home and walked inside. Everything was perfectly placed like it was, except that no one was home. White paint on the walls. Yellow carpet. A wide-open kitchen with a wooden dining table. And paintings on the wall.

I wandered up the stairs and into my room. My comic books were on the shelf along with other stories. I covered myself with the blankets and noticed I was a kid again. No older than nine. I fell asleep and woke up in the middle of the night to banging on the door.

I carefully went downstairs and approached it. The banging continued. I opened it and no one was there. It was dark outside and every house was destroyed and abandoned. Rubble littered the road. And then, my father appeared again. His right eye was hanging out and bleeding. He reached for me with metal claws and said, “Hi. My name’s Bear.”

I woke up staring at the ceiling again. Sunlight shone through the blinds and into the room. I rolled over expecting to see Alice but she was gone.

Over at the coffee pot was a note: “I left. Goodbye, Thomas. May we meet again when we’re both in a different place.”

I guess she had the poetic side. I couldn’t tell if I missed her or just missed the company. But I knew that I’d meet other people. I just went downstairs to the bar and ordered a drink in the early afternoon. It was scotch.