A Quiet Piece of Longing – Two

Midnight. Somewhere outside a motel six in downtown Phoenix. The full moon was in the sky and surrounded by gray, ghastly clouds. It was seventy-six degrees outside. A fine summer night. An even finer night for meeting someone.

Outside room two-seventy-six, a woman stood. She was standing in a yellow sundress with a straw hat on, smoking a cigarette. Pale skin, red lips, brown flowing hair that blew in the wind, and pink nails. I’d later come to find out her name was also Cassandra. Funny how that works.

“Hey.” I said, approaching.

She sternly cut me off and said, “A hundred dollars for a fuck. Seventy-five for me to suck your dick.”

“How about a thousand for you to go on a road trip with me?”

She paused for a moment and exhaled smoke. She took a step back. “A road trip? To where?”

“Anywhere.” I said. “All over. The rockies, Maine, Texas, maybe even Atlanta? Listen, I’m just looking for some company, and you seem like a nice girl. Maybe we fit together?”

She caressed my chin and drew me in for a kiss. Wet, sloppy lips. I stuck my tongue inside and we swirled together. I drew back, and placed my hand on her shoulder. “Maybe you can come inside with me?”

Cassandra smiled. “Maybe. You got cash?”

“Sure.” I handed her a hundred and we moved inside my room.

I pressed her up against the wall and took a shoulder strap off. Then the next one. Her breasts fell out. Pale and pink. I kissed them and then slowly moved up. Her collar, her neck, her chin, and then a kiss on her lips.

She pushed me onto the bed and undid my jeans. She sucked me good, and I appreciated that. And then, I undid her pants and saw she was wearing pink underwear. I played with it and then stripped them off. Her pussy was out and I fingered it. It was wet. I performed oral and swirled my tongue inside. She wrapped her legs around me and moaned softly.

I sat up and moved on top of her. “Can I?” I asked.

She smiled and kissed me. “Yes, you can.”

I slipped it inside and moved back and forth. It felt warm and soft. We embraced and wrapped our arms around each other. I arched my back and her arms fell to my arms. Her nails dug into my skin as I moved and she titled up and groaned. I finished, and fell off to the side. I lit a cigarette.

“That was nice.” I said.

She sat up and moved her hands through her frazzled hair. Sweat dripped off her pale shoulders. “Yeah, that was. What’s your name?”

“Don’t worry about it. You know, you should really think about coming on a road trip with me.”

“Maybe. Where would we go?”

“Well, where do you wanna go? I just drive wherever.”

“I want to see Las Vegas. Gamble and explore the casinos.”

I smiled. “Well, I got the cash for that. Say we leave tomorrow? It’d be a bit of a drive. Six hours, I think.”

She giggled and leaned down. Her lips met mine and then she tumbled to the side, laying next to me. “That sounds fine. I like you, you know. Tell me, where are you from?”

“L.A.”

“Oooh, city-boy. What’s it like there?”

“Boring. Sterile. Way too many people and way too many fucking problems.”

“Interesting. I’m from Seattle, ran away when I was twelve. Don’t know my parents, I was raised in foster care.”

I got to rolling a joint and lit it. I puffed on it and the edge was taken away. A nice feeling after a glorious fuck. “And what’s Seattle like?”

“I don’t know—it rains a lot. But it’s so pretty and beautiful. You’re near the water too and that’s just so nice. I miss it.”

She seemed to feel more than I did. I guess I liked her, but wasn’t too sure about it. I just needed a nice vacation from the emptiness. “How about this—we go to Las Vegas and then move up to Seattle?”

A wide smile crossed her face, and she wrapped her arms around me. I was surprised and didn’t expect that. “Sounds great!” She said, and then kissed me. Cassandra giggled and laid her head down on my chest. “When do we leave?”
“Well, tomorrow?”

“Sure. Can I sleep here?”

“Well why the hell not?”

“Thanks.” She laughed again. Cassandra stood up and reached into the pockets of her sundress. “I got some coke—you want some?”

I chortled. I really didn’t expect that. Honest. “Sure, why the hell not?”

She doled it out into four little lines on the dresser and snorted one. “Your turn!” She said.

I took one line and immediately felt the sweet, sweet, rush. My head began to spin and it felt like a tickling of my brain. I took another line and the feeling came back even stronger. There would be no sleep tonight.

She took the last line and then crawled back into my arms. “Eventually, I wanna go back to Seattle. Not to see my shitty foster parents. But… just to enjoy the city.”

“I wanna go out East. Explore it, you know?”

“That sounds like fun. Hey, why does that happen?”

“Why does what happen?”

“Your face. It just falls flat sometimes. Goes dead.”

I laughed. “I will pay you a hundred dollars not to mention that again.”

“I’ll give you ten if you kiss me.”

“That’s a deal.” I brought her in close and planted a kiss right on her lips. She moved back and I felt the deep rush of the cocaine. Tilting my head back, it came even stronger. It was good coke. For the rest of the night we’d stay up doing more drugs and just sitting there talking.

“So, choose one place you can go on vacation. And it can’t be Seattle.” I said, sometime around two.

“Hawaii. Nice beaches, nice weather, and beautiful palm trees.”
“You’re envisioning it wrong, you know. You’re describing California.”

Cass picked up her purse and slammed it into my chest. “Well I don’t know! Alaska maybe?”

“Too god damn cold. I like my land temperate.”

“And what the hell’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means calm, I think.” I was rolling another joint. “You want one of these?”

“No thanks. I’m not a weed-gal.”

“You’re missing out then. I love my weed.”

“That much is clear.”

“And what the hell’s that supposed to mean?” I said in a girly tone, obviously imitating her.

She bursted out laughing and fell onto the bed. “Jesus Christ, you’re a trouble maker.” She grabbed the sides of my face and reeled my head forward for another kiss. Then she just fell off the bed. I wasn’t sure if she had lost her mind or not.

It was four-in-the-morning and the coke had worn off. Never lasted too long, but that was alright. It was a neat little boost for such a short time. With the weed, I managed to fall asleep and Cassandra was in my arms.

I woke up in the afternoon to see Cass in a puddle of drool on my shoulder. I got up for a nice cigarette outside. When I went back inside, she was awake and brushing her hair. “You ready to go to Vegas?” I asked.

She smiled. “Sure! Then we go up?”

“Maybe. I don’t know.”

“We have to see Seattle.”

“We’ll check out Vegas for now.”

“Sounds like a deal!” She planted a kiss on my lips and we headed to the car.

Gas money and lodging would be no problem. I had so much stacked up from my dealing days that money didn’t even matter. I was a master at spending. We got on the highway and headed to Vegas. She smoked cigarettes with the windows rolled down and cranked up the stereo. I kept my eyes on the road. Focused. Calm. Even neutral.

Eventually, we passed through Flagstaff and then West to Kingman. Passing through there was no problem. When we came to the hoover dam, she wanted to step out and take photos. I stood away from the crowd, while she took selfies by the water.

“Hey!” She said. “Come over here!”

I began the walk. “What? Why?”

“Cause I wanna take a photo with you! That a problem?”

“Well, I suppose not.”

She grabbed me by the collar and forced me next to her. Cass pursed her lips and placed her neck on my shoulder. Then snapped the pictures. “We done here?” I asked.

She smiled. “Sure.”

“Vegas is only sixty miles away. You got any idea which hotel you wanna stay at?”

She thought for a moment. “I’ve heard of the excalibur.”
“Well that’s boring because there’s no casino. I’m thinking of gambling.”

We were back inside the car and took off down the road. We entered Nevada. “Gambling sounds fun, I know how to hack one of those spin machines.”

“And how do you do that?” I took the cigarette from her and stole a drag.
“You just punch it real funny. Hard to describe.”

“I’d like to see you do that.”

I was beginning to think that she was much more human than I. Taking selfies, posting them to social media, she even called people. Meanwhile, I stayed away from that. I didn’t really like communicating with my family. That brought expectations and the inevitable question, “When will you be home?” I just didn’t like it.

Last I had heard from my mom was the beginning of the year. I made the mistake of calling her from a pay phone in Utah and she screamed when she heard my voice. “Oh. My GOD!” She went.

“Yes, I’m safe.” I said with a laugh.

“Your sister’s been worried sick. I’ve just been screaming and crying. Where the hell even are you?”

“In Utah. I’ve been, uh, on a road trip.”

“You just took off like that? No goodbyes?”

“Mom, I don’t even like speaking. I think there’s something wrong with me.”

“Please come home. When will you be home?”

And it was there I debated just hanging up. “Sometime I will.”

“When?”

“Sometime, Mom. Jesus…”

“Just keep me updated, okay?”

“Sure.”

“Bye…”

“Bye.”

I hadn’t called her in three months and never planned too again. I was content with the wandering life. Place to place, people to people, landmark to landmark. The ordinary nine-to-five then-you-die was not for me.

It was hard to find my fit in the world. I had worked normal jobs. I was once a dishwasher and had the option to be a line-cook at a resort restaurant when I was eighteen. That fell apart because I failed a drug test.

Now I was just wandering. I liked the feeling of it. Just gripping the steering wheel, music blasting, and careening down the road with no end in sight. It felt nice. I never had a home and never would. But if there was such a place, it’d be the very road I found myself on.

We arrived at the Tropicana hotel at night. She held my hand as we walked in and separated to go wandering around. I bought the hotel room and we went to it. It was a bed and bath. Nothing too out of the ordinary.

She went to the spin machines and I sat at the poker table. A few people were there and I found myself to be very good at poker. Always thought that to be the case. And meanwhile, I had a flush and no one near me could beat that. I ended up winning two-hundred. Some people dissipated, and then I just won an extra three-hundred more. In my final round however, I lost a hundred-fifty and decided to call it quits.

I wandered back over to where Cassandra was and I saw that she was all giddy. “What? More cocaine?” I asked, jokingly.

“Don’t be a dick! I just won a hundred.”

“And now you’re betting all that?” I said, laughing.

“What? No! I’m betting twenty-five.”

I watched the machine spin and it landed on three cherries. Seventy-five spat out. “Damn. Seems like you’re lucky.”

She giggled and grabbed the cash. “I’m not done here. Where are you gonna go?”

“I’m thinking just outside for a joint.”

“You and your weed,” she sighed, “Then go. Shoo! I’ll stay.”

She seemed rather stuck-up. Whatever. Before wandering outside, I grabbed a drink at the bar. Some scotch was nice once in a while. I downed it fairly quickly and then disappeared. I rolled a joint under the overhang and smoked it. The crushing sense of reality dissipated before my eyes and I found myself rather out of my head. It felt nice to just be in your own skin for a while. Not constantly trying to feed the endless machine. That’s why I went to weed. My green and scaly mistress.

Weed always had a way of shifting my memory. Smoking too much would cause me to almost hallucinate false ones. Too little and I just felt outside of myself. Just enough, and I’d be more self-aware. I’d also remember certain things. Moments in grade school. Buried memories that were rather fun.

And in that specific moment, I remembered coming home from school to see my parents rather pissed at each other. They were in separate rooms. My mom standing in the kitchen on her phone. My father watching the television in the living-room.

“What’s wrong?” I asked her.

“Oh. It’s simple.” She said, wiping an angry tear. “Your father decided to fuck the assistant at his favorite place. His job!” She pirouetted around and got to stirring something in the pot. She’d always cook when angry.

“And what does that do?” I said, pointing to her cooking. “That doesn’t solve anything.”

“And neither does cheating. But we can’t separate so I’m just stuck here. In hell. If we did I’m sure he’d just take you. Maybe I’d have your sister.”

I decided to put my joint out and wander back inside. I was rather tired and returned to the room. Cassie was there laying on the bed, playing on her phone. “Hey.” She said, smiling bright.

“Hey.” I kissed her and she seemed surprised, but she wrapped herself around me anyway. We continued making out and I grabbed her tits.

She took my shirt off and ran her fingers down my chest. I wasn’t sure how much I liked her tone sometimes, or the way she’d stare, but I guess I felt affection for her. She was rather nice. I took her shirt off and played with her breasts. Pale and pink. C cups. I sucked them and liked the way she would moan. Then I kissed her. It may have been the copious amount of drugs, but I was starting to feel… something. Though I wasn’t sure what it was. I was bad at describing anything.

“Hang on.” She whispered.

I drew back and watched as she undid her pants. She was wearing pink, flowery, lingerie. She stripped that underwear off and then came off my jeans. Done by her.

I put it inside and moved. We touched each other and I held her against the wall, riding her up and down. Vigorously. “I love you.” She said.

“…”

“I love you!”

“I love you…” I kissed her. “Too.”

She came and I heard her soft little groans. I came twice and then we sat on the bed, each smoking something. “Where to next?” I asked.

“You had trouble saying that, you know.” She said, putting her clothes back on.

“Saying what?” I snapped.

“Love you. Do you even?”

“Well…”

“You can’t even be a human being! Say it. Say it right now.”

Ash fell onto my bare chest. “I love you. There?”
“Took you a while.” She sat next to me with a deep frown.

“Where the hell is this coming from?”
“I just want someone.”

“Sometimes I don’t.”

And then came the slap to my face. I sat there, a little shocked. I was sure a bright red hand print existed on my cheek. “Okay, wow.”

“And of course that’s all you say to that. I’m going for a walk.”

“Yeah. Have a nice time.”

“Fuck you.” She slammed the door.

“Bye!” I yelled out after her.

I laid down and wrapped myself in a blanket. That night I had a dream of being back in my house and there was a knock on the door. I opened it and my dad was there. His eye was drooping out of his socket and he had a metal glove on. “Hey.” He said. “My name’s Bear.” Then he grabbed me and the dream ended.

I woke up to no one there. Like the usual. But there was a note on the coffee machine: “Gone to Seattle. Love you. Goodbye. May we meet again under different stars.” I smiled and tucked it in my pockets. I left Vegas that day.