H: Chapter Twenty-Four

Payte wanders the highway with his fists curled up inside his pockets. His breathing is panicked. Adrenaline courses through his veins.

Return to me, Payte. Heed my calling, feel my words, really, just let them flow through. I need you. And you need me. Let’s be together. Allow me to take your soul and cuddle it, crush it with my love. Allow me to defile you, to desecrate you, to leave you craving for more.

No, I won’t. I’m not gonna let you do this to me anymore.

But don’t you realize how much you need me? How much I need you? I can make you better, I can you a different man, a man that withstand all of life’s challenges. We both know how much this world can fuck you over.

You’re lying to me. I’m just gonna walk a little bit, and return to the van. We’ll go the diner, have fun, and then we’ll be happy again. They’ll forgive me. Everything will be good.

Forgive my harsh language, but, you’re a fucking idiot. You were just planning to order food and then run out of there. Dine and dash, they call it. You can’t fix what’s already broken, and you’re the one who broke it in the first place.

That’s not true. It was Jack who overdosed, I didn’t make him do that.

You didn’t make him overdose, but you gave him weed after you had already quit drugs. Then you used more and more around him. You guys did anything you could get your hands on. Which… led to me. Your one and only love.

Fuck you. Fuck. You! How I was supposed to know he would die because of me? I just wanted to have a good time with each other.

You manipulated him, Payte. You manipulated everyone. Don’t you realize that I’m your only friend now? The only one you have left is me, Payte. Me and me alone.

Payte puts one foot after the other. He keeps his head low and to the ground. The eyes of the driver look and stare at him, but he pays them no mind.

But they’ll forgive me, right? I just gotta do something for them. I’ve changed, or, at least tried too, and that didn’t work, so I’ll just gift them food and a good time. Then they’ll love me again. They have too.

You fucked up and you know that. You hurt people, Payte, you hurt them, and now they’ll never forgive you. You fucked up every friendship you’ve ever had—

Stop it. Stop it.

Payte comes to a turnpike, and walks in between the cars. He has no set objective in mind. He’s just walking. Or maybe he just hasn’t decided yet.

You have no one left. No one. Come to me, Payte. Find me. Find. Me.

Okay… I’ll do it. But just once.

* * *

“He’s not coming back, is he?” Travis says, putting his knee up on the dashboard and fiddling with his fingers.

“Fuck him.” Says Thomas. “We’re better off without him anyway.” He turns a page and brings the unnamed novel closer to his face, basking in the smell of the withered pages.

Travis takes his knee off the dashboard and directs his attention to the window. His gaze is brought back to the front of the van when, out of the corner of his eye, he notices the truck in front of him moving. It’s a gray Ford F150.

“Do you know how to drive?” Travis asks.

Thomas puts his book down and glares at Travis, “Have you ever seen me drive? Only Jack knew.”

“Well what are we gonna do? We can’t just sit here.”

“You’ve driven once, remember?”

Travis turns around in his seat and looks over at Thomas with bright eyes. “That’s true. Think I could do it again?”

Thomas shrugs, not even bothering to look up at Travis. “I don’t know man. Go ahead and find out…” He turns a page and brings his attention back to the book, with a clear desire to tune Travis out.

Travis sits in his seat, cross-legged, and debating about the options in his head. He puts his thumb in his mouth and nibbles at the quarter-inch nail. Soon, he has reached a decision. He unbuckles himself (laughing at the fact he hasn’t done it sooner), and hops into the driver’s seat, which still has the keys in the ignition. Travis starts the van just as the driver behind him honks, then he sets off. At first his movements are shaky and swervy, he basically drives like an idiot. But after a while he gets used to it, and his turns become more fluid and less terrifying.

Twenty minutes have passed and he has managed to get off the highway. He looks at Thomas in the rear-view mirror, and says, “So… where are we going?”

* * *

I must’ve wandered those streets for ages. Placing one foot in front of the other, in a kind of, hypnotic rhythm. Somehow, I had found myself at a crossroads of industrial buildings, each one extruding smoke out of their concrete organs. Brick apartments stretched up into the sky with boarded up windows and stains on the windowsills. Shouts of children playing sounded off the walls, and police sirens echoed off into the distance. Here I was again, ready to self-destruct once more.

“Hey!” A voice boomed out from the alley next to me.

I quickly snapped my neck back. It was a man dressed in ripped jeans and a tattered, gray, band t-shirt. I stared at him for a second before responding. He had dark skin and a shaved head. Golden earrings in the shape of a hoop dangled from his earlobes. “Y-yeah?” I asked, rubbing my pale hands together. I wasn’t tweaked out, but I assumed that he thought I was just from the way I walked.

The man mimicked my energy and stance. He rubbed his hands together and moistened his lips with his snake-like tongue. “You look like you need a fix.”

I nodded sharply and stuttered out a few words, “Y-yeah… I do. Why? Whatcha got?”

The man did a double-take around, making sure no one was listening. His golden earrings shook as he snapped his head left and right. “H. You want a gram?”

* * *

Travis cranes his head back, daring to take his eyes off the road. A fledgling driver, with his cherry barely popped, already breaking standard driving rules. “What do you think Payte’s doing?”

Thomas turns a page and slightly rips it at the spine. He cringes inside. “Knowing him, probably scoring some more drugs. He’s a piece of shit, and always will be.”

Travis sits in his chair, being still for barely a moment. Even after all the shit I put him through, he still feels bad for me. I do that to people. I get my hands on them, desecrate them, and they’re stuck with me in their heads. “Well, shouldn’t we, like, help him? Stop him, maybe?”

Thomas puts the book down and bites down on his bottom-lip with his two-front teeth. They pierce the skin and a single droplet of blood dribbles down his chin, staining his skin. “You can do that, but I think he could just fuck off and die.”

Travis clenches his fists as a shock-wave of hurt ripples through his body. His reptilian brain takes a hold of him. “Don’t say that, he did a lot for us. He’s made mistakes, but…”

“But what? Kill Jack?”

Travis sharply inhales and snaps his head around, “Don’t say that! Don’t you talk about Jack, not about him!” Travis clears his throat and brings his gaze back to the road. He was starting to swerve into the left lane, right in front of a red Mustang. He corrects it and slightly turns to the right. He notices that he might’ve just scared the shit out of that Mustang driver, but all mustang drivers are pieces of shit. So maybe they deserved it?

Either way, Travis decides right then and there that he needs some H. The urge consumes him. His mouth waters. His hands tighten. His calf muscles cramp up. He licks his lips. His thoughts are consumed by H, by his muse. Come to me Travis, come to me. I need you. I will love you like no one else ever has. All I need is for you to find me.

“We’re turning around.” Travis suddenly announces aloud.

Thomas puts his book down and looks at the back of Travis’s head, which barely pokes out above the seat. “What? Where are we going?”

“To get some H.”

Thomas’s jaw drops and he tosses the book aside. “No, don’t do this. Do not do this.” He face palms and slowly slides his hand down his eyes, his nose, and his mouth. “Don’t do it Travis, stay the fuck away from it!”

“Why? Don’t you want some?”

“Yeah, but that’s different—“

“We’ll only get a gram, and that’s it. Just enough to keep us well for a couple days—“

“There won’t be a couple days! We’ll just keep getting more and more!”

“Let me finish. We’ll only take a little bit and that’ll be that. No more. Got it?”

Thomas prepares to say something, but words won’t come out. Subconsciously, he decides that the battle just isn’t worth fighting. “Alright…” He says half heartedly. “Let’s do it.”

* * *

“Yeah, I’ll take a gram. Just one gram, nothing else.” I said softly, just looking over his shoulder.

The man nodded and his earrings jingled along with him. “Follow me.” He said.

We walked down the alleyway. Glass bottles were littered and shattered on the ground. Rats scurried about, and birds were perched high-atop on the gutters. Droplets of water fell down the angled roofs and formed puddles on the stained concrete.

We came to a white, rusted, door. The man opened it and I followed him in. The door opened to a room of decorative, purple, lighting. To the right was a counter piled with bottles of booze. Vermouth, whiskey, tequila, rum, everything was on that counter.

“Payte?” Travis called out.

“Travis?” I muttered softly. I cringed at myself. How dare he see me in this state? Weak and pathetic. Every man has to put up a facade, and mine was falling apart. Now they were all judging me, I could see it in their eyes. “Look at this guy, fallen for drugs again. What a stupid fucking loser.” Those were the thoughts in their mind, I knew it.

“Uh, you guys know each other?” The man said, turning to me.

“Yeah, that’s Thomas and Travis.” I said.

Travis leapt up from the couch and grabbed Thomas by the shoulder. He pulled him towards the door and opened it. Before he walked out, Travis looked at me and asked, “You comin’ with?”

“Uh…” I nodded meekly, like a little fucking rat. “Yeah, I’m coming.” I darted out the door and slammed it shut. I almost felt bad for the dealer; losing three customers in a day must be rough.

“So….” Travis mumbled. His face had a grimace on it. “Wanna head to Maine?”

I nodded. “Yeah, that, uh… that sounds good.”