Feeling Fear in a Logical Way

Because of details that I will not share, for about three-and-a-half years, I was in constant fear. I remember hiding in my room with the door shut as a storm blew in the house. I remember being constantly afraid of being kicked out of my house, because of my family’s finances. We were so poor, that we had to literally decide which bills we didn’t have to pay, just so we could afford food. And even then, I usually had popcorn for dinner. But somewhere along the way, I didn’t feel that constant fear in my chest. It seemed that my body had shut it off. And as my therapist put it, “That’s your coping skill!”

Ever since the fateful day of shutting off my fear, I have been a crazy motherfucker. One time, I was going off-roading with a friend, in his Ford F250, a big-motherfucking-truck. The road we were going down was too small for this truck, so any slight turn to the left, and we’d be careening down the mountain. Keeping this is mind, we were going seventy-miles-per-hour down it. As we went further down the trail, we soon came to a hill. Going down the hill, three cows came out of the bushes and stood in the middle of the road. And then, my friend had a crucial decision to make. Would he slam on the brakes, with the chance of hitting the cows anyway? Or would he pounce onto the gas, and try to ram through the cows? Whatever was going through his mind in those fifteen-seconds, he had a made a decision. My friend slammed on the brakes and we stopped ten feet in front of the cows. I turned to my buddy, and said, “We gotta do this again sometime.”

On one night, I had got into an argument with a person who’s name I shall not mention. We were screaming at each other, and he grabbed me by my throat and pinned me to a wall. He then screamed in my face, “I will kill you, motherfucker! I will!” However, I did not feel scared. In fact, I was laughing. It seemed my reaction had disturbed him, as he simply paused, and walked away.

Now, in present day, I realize that certain things would scare people, but I do not get an emotional response to it. I simply think of fear, in a logical way.