A Quiet Piece of Longing – Fourteen

I sat at a bar in Seattle, watching the rain pour. It seemed I had a tight cord around my neck, tugging at me. Something was deteriorating but I did not know what. It seemed that there was no difference between life and a dream anymore. I was just on a canoe, softly floating.

I knew that these spikes in dissocation were related to visiting with my mother. When the ugly side of my life reared it’s head, my brain had no choice but to shut down. Not to mention the dreaded anxiety attacks.

This bar was a dive. It smelled like cigarettes. The stools were cracked and broken. And the counter was stained. I didn’t even want to try the food. I was simply a passenger at this place. Destined to stay and then leave after a short while. But..

And there I saw her. Sitting with a friend. Brown flowing hair, sun hat, pink dress. I had found Alice again. It seemed she had found stability in her life. She had a friend to talk too, a place to hang out at, probably even a husband.

And where was I? Still doing the same things. Still drinking, still dealing weed, and still driving. I was a ghost with no one and nowhere to go. Content with wandering the plains of the Earth. Never being attached to anything.

I drunkenly wobbled up to her. “Hey.” I said.

“Oh. My. God.”

“What? Who’s this?” Her friend asked. Brown skin and a brown turtleneck. Painted fingernails.

“He’s Thomas! An old friend!”

“Well, it’s Isaiah.”

“Whatever your name is, I’m glad you’re okay. How are you?”
“I’m alright.” I said. “But what about you?”

She smiled. “Just been living a family life. Michael’s busy and I’m supposed to be at home with the baby.”

“And I see that you’re not?”

“Nevermind that. We were just about to leave. You wanna come with? I have some blow.”

“Sure. You’ve always liked your blow.”

The three of us piled into a car and started driving. I got to know Alice’s friend. Her name was Raquel and she was a waitress. She told me anytime a customer pissed her off she’d spit in their food. Or just dump ashes from her cigarette. She was crazy.

We arrived at this dinky apartment complex. Music emanated from inside a room and someone stood outside smoking a joint. There were sirens in the distance. Inside, the walls were stained brown. The kitchen was dusty and dirty dishes were piled up. A single bong sat on the table along with a pipe. The baby was in a pink crib, sleeping peacefully. She couldn’t have been more than a year old. A new addition to the family.

Alice dumped out a few lines and we got to work. Raquel grabbed the dab rig and brought it out. We loaded the wax into the nail and I huffed on it.

“Bitch, you didn’t even finish all of it!” Raquel said.

“Well then give it back.”

“Hell no! It’s mine!”

“Then take it. Enjoy.” I said.

Just then Alice got a call and took it outside. Raquel followed leaving me behind. Now I was just stuck in the apartment, high as hell, and all alone. And then, the baby cried.

I checked the diaper and she was clean so I figured she was just hungry. I found the bottle of formula and gave it to her. I even sang a nursery rhyme. She stopped crying and fell asleep in my arms. I put her into the crib and that’s when I started to cry again. For no reason at all. This had been happening lately. The tears flowed and I wiped my eyes. But nothing stopped the onslaught of tears.

“Oh thank you, Isaiah.” Alice said.

I turned around and saw that she had been crying much more than I was. Her face was stained red and tears dripped down. Without warning, she pressed up against me and laid a kiss on my lips.

“What the hell?” I said. “You have a baby with your boyfriend.”

More tears and she dropped to her knees. “What’s wrong?” I asked, leaning down.

“It’s Michael. He’s been shot. He’s a dealer, you know, that’s how it went wrong.”

“Well where is he? I’ll take you to the hospital.”

Raquel had seemingly disappeared. The baby sat in the back with Alice and I followed her directions to the hospital. We got there just in time to see him being carried into his room. We waltzed inside and saw him laying in bed, bandaged up. A heart monitor by his side.

“And who the hell is this?” He yelled at my presence.

“He’s a friend—from long ago. We met again and he drove me here.”

“And are you fucking him? Or were you?”

“He’s just a friend.”

Bandages covered his side and he twisted and turned. I couldn’t really tell but from the blood spots, it looked like he had been shot twice. “What’s your name?” He asked in a stark tone.

“Isaiah. I’m on the road and I met Alice when she was too.”

“And you were her boyfriend I suppose?”

“We’re friends now.” Alice added.

“Just tell him to go! Come on! Leave!”

“I’ll go.” I said.

I slipped outside for a quick smoke but found that nicotine didn’t cut it. The edge still remained. I sighed and stared up at the stars. A long winding journey had brought me here. And for some reason, I felt it coming to a close. I didn’t want to return home. I thought finding a different place to settle down would be better. A different lady. A different house. A different life. It seemed romantic.

I remembered being eight and seeing my parents coming home with a new daughter. A new being brought into existence. I was nervous and hid behind the wall. I didn’t want my parents to forget about me. Though they had already done that long ago.

Somewhere out there in the stars, there were other beings cursed with the gift of consciousness. They were cursed with the ability to love, feel, fuck, and make meaningless meaning to their hearts content. Maybe they had rocketships too. Maybe they had tablets and electronics. Maybe it was something completely different.

I checked my phone and found that it was three-in-the-morning. I had been thinking for two hours straight. That’s what drugs will do to you. And from behind me came a shrill voice, “They say he’s not gonna make it.”

I hugged her and she sat down next to me. “It’ll be okay.”

“No it won’t!” She said in a shrill scream. “He’s gonna die!”

I hugged her even tighter and planted a kiss on her forehead. “It’ll be okay. Some day, it’ll be alright. Let me take you home.”