A Quiet Piece of Longing – Six

I suddenly found myself back in Las Vegas. I did not know why I came back, but I did remember just following the highways and seeing where it took me. I met this one girl who was standing outside a hotel just staring off into the distance. I tried getting her number but she was a devout protestant. No sex before marriage. Oh well. She was sexy so I’d really like to get behind her and all that.

Several deals had gone well and I found myself with five-hundred extra dollars. It would be put to lodging and gas. But now, I was walking up and down the Las Vegas strip, high out of my mind. Drug dealing was sketchy if you were inexperienced. But very easy if you weren’t. After some time you knew all the ins and outs. And I always made sure my stuff wasn’t laced.

Now I was inside the bathroom doing copious amounts of heroin. I had never done it until recently, but I really liked the way it made me feel. Just total warmth and care. Everything that was bad just got lifted away. It’s sad to say, but sometimes you need stimulation to feel. Even if that will eventually catch up to you. Even if it’s poisonous to the body and soul. Maybe the mind if that is the soul.

The door was locked. I doled out two lines and let it all come up my nose. Instantly, I was knocked back by how powerful it was. Peace was mine. I laid out on the floor and closed my eyes. Warmth came over me.

My mind drifted back to highschool. My boyfriend and I were out driving in the boondocks late at night. We had stolen beer from our parents and were drinking it while we drove. There were no cars around us and no one to be seen at all.

I pulled over to the side of the road and we both stepped out. We lit our cigarettes and drank our beer and enjoyed the stars. We even kissed. We got back in our car and started driving.

“Hey dude!” Marcus said.

“Yeah?”

“I’m hopping in the trunk.”

“What? Why?”

“I want you to drive while I’m spinning around in the trunk.”
“Well, alright.”

He hopped in and I pressed all the way down on the gas pedal. The engine roared and I began swerving all over the road. Marcus slid all over and even bonked his head on the seats. I stopped and he climbed back in. I let him drive.

But somewhere along the way he had tossed his can of beer in the backseat. My parents would later find it and I’d be grounded from the car for six months.

Then I was at a party and got offered molly. I sat by the fireplace with my boyfriend and I just got offered more and more drugs. Beer after beer. Joint after Joint. Eventually the both of us were so fucked up, we landed in the hospital. It caused a lot of havoc for me and my family. I was to be under a curfew since that point. But I obviously ignored it.

I suddenly woke back up to blood dripping out of my nose. Wheezing coughs erupted from me, and I was overwhelmed with nausea. I wiped the blood but more of it came out. And faster. I stuffed tissues into my nostrils and vomited in the toilet. Though it was the hardest decision I ever made, the heroin was flushed too. It was painful.

I wandered around the casino floor while waiting for my vision to return to normal. You know how the planet is always spinning? Yeah, it was like I could feel it. Minutes passed but I was still just as fucked up. I ended up knocking into a waitress and the drinks clattered to the ground.

“Are you okay?” I asked. I grabbed her arm and pulled her up to her feet.

“What the hell were you thinking?”

I didn’t respond. I just kept moving.

Wandering around Vegas, I saw the giant space needle. I had heard you could bungie jump off of it, and that felt rather attractive. There was a certain space in between death and danger that I liked. And maybe other people did too. We all like to gamble.

I found the fountains and considered jumping in for a swim. But that was illegal and I didn’t need more trouble. That simply wasn’t an option. Besides, the heroin had so severely fucked me up that I had no motor control. After all, I had just crashed into a waitress. But the water rose and splashed me. I then continued on. But unfortunately, the memories came back.

“Helllooo.” My mom said. She was picking me up after school to spend the week with her and her new boyfriend. I never got along with him. Nor did I like him.

“We’re gonna go see a movie, alright?”

I kept silent and stared out the window. I was over at my dad’s house every other week and my mother’s every other week. Though my sister lived with my mom.

“My teacher told me you almost have straight A’s—just a B in math. Good man! You know, your father’s been calling me like crazy at odd times in the night. He’s always so fucking drunk it’s hard to keep up with him. But you know what that asshole’s like. All high and mighty while he drinks himself to death—Come on Donna, don’t be made in front of your kid. Don’t be mad.”

I just kept staring out the window. We were stuck in traffic but I knew we’d be out of it in a jiffy.

“And your sister, the brat she is, doesn’t care about school or her life as well. I even found razor blades! And plus, she was caught smoking in the bathroom. I sent her to her room to be grounded for a month and she screamed she’d rather be dead. And I’m like, ‘Okay Shelly, that’d be nice!’”

I came to my senses again and the memories had stopped. I found myself at a park standing under a lamp. The moon was full and high up in the sky. The wind was cold. I took a seat and lit a cigarette. It would be a long night.