Cassie

I pulled over to the side of the road and stepped out. Blank Arizona fields stretched out as far as the eye could see. In the far distance, a herd of cows. Under my tire laid a roadkill raccoon. I leaned against my car, puffing on a cigarette. The sun was high in the sky. It’s heat beamed down on me like a devil with it’s eyes forced open.

It had started back when I graduated high school. I had dreams of being the “Pablo Escobar of weed.” I dealt it out to everyone in town and made about three grand a week. That kind of cash stacks up fast. However, I couldn’t help but feel a certain emptiness caused by life. A lack of belonging and extreme isolation. Being at parties and screwing women, I couldn’t help but feel like a complete exile from the human race. But maybe that’s just where I belonged.

I had just left behind an old relationship. Her name was Laura. She had a bad relationship with her parents so she’d crash at my place regularly. We’d cook dinner together and then sit down and watch a movie. Sometimes we’d argue but that was resolved quickly since she couldn’t go back home. But after the miscarriage, everything just fell apart.

I stayed alone for a few months after that. I canceled out the dealing and lived off a surplus for about a year. Never went outside and never spoke to my family. There I was, disconnected once again.

It was the next year that I decided I needed to get out of town. Having twenty-five-thousand left over, I could drive for quite a while. I had seen many monuments and towns. No familiar faces. I even had a short stint up in Maine and loved it.

Now I must admit something. Understand that I do not care if you do not understand. My ego does not fall on the beliefs of others. I am not a man that feels many things. I stay at a low level of isolation and emptiness. I do not relate to anyone, nor do I care. I am empty.

I got back on the road. I kept my Hawaiian shirt unbuttoned and my jeans tattered. A cigarette hung in my mouth and ash fell on my pants. There was an old, rusted gas station just up ahead. But no one was there. I parked at a gas pump and put twenty bucks in.

Going inside, I noticed an old man at the counter. Probably in his seventies. I grabbed a bag of chips, a drink, and a candy bar. Placing it all on the counter, I studied him. “You from around here?” I asked with a warm smile.

“I live down in Wickerburg. About thirty miles West of Phoenix. No one there but my cats and me.”

“You ever get lonely?”

“Well, that’s what animals are for. Cute creatures and all, you know.”

“I don’t like animals. Useless things. But I don’t even really exist.”

His ears perked up and he stared for a moment. “What do you mean you don’t exist?”

I withdrew my gun and pointed it at his head. A lump formed in his throat. “I mean that I am a mere specter. I have no plan or purpose. I mean that I am here simply for nothing. Give me two hundred from the register if you’d like to stay alive.”

A tear fell and he handed me a fist full of cash. I walked out of there with everything. The gun wasn’t even loaded.

* * *

Her name is Cassandra. Cassie for short. She is the reason I am still alive. The air she breathes is my oxygen. Her lips, her thighs, her painted toenails—these are what keep me sane. We first met at a motel six in Flagstaff.

She stood outside in the midnight dark smoking kretek cigarettes. She was wearing a sundress and a wide-brimmed hat. Her lips were painted a cherry apple red and her skin was pale. Cassie even wore those white Kurt Cobain sunglasses.

I approached her. “What’s your name beautiful?”

“My name’s Cassie.”

“Can I buy you a drink at the bar? It’s just across from the street. I think you’re the most beautiful.”

“A hundred dollars for a fuck. Fifty for me to suck your dick.”

“How about a thousand for you to go on a road trip with me?”

She stopped and stared. The cigarette slowly lowered from her mouth. She brought her sunglasses down and I saw pale blue eyes. “Two grand and I’d do it. I don’t even want to be here.”

I handed her the cash straight from my car. We fucked in my motel room and then laid down on the bed discussing our lives. She was a beautiful angel sent straight from heaven. A prime target of my obsession.

“Where are you from?” I blew out smoke. She sat on the bed naked.

“LA. But I haven’t been home in a long time.”

“And? Why?”

“I ran away when I was twelve. Been on the streets ever since.”

“And how do you manage to make yourself look so beautiful?”

“A lot of self care.”

“I’m from LA as well. Had a miscarriage with my wife and things just never worked out. Not from the beginning to the end. My life has never been concrete. So you can imagine I needed to get out too.”

“Why does your face look like that?”

“What do you mean? It’s my normal face.”

“It just falls flat sometimes and your eyes look empty.”

“I will give you a hundred to never ask me that again.”

“Ten and we can screw again.”

“Why don’t you just lean in for a kiss?”

She took off her black high-heels. “That’s a deal.”

* * *

A couple months later and we were at a cabin in the North-East. Pine trees covered the forested area and dropped needles to the ground. Brown and red leaves covered the grass and were scattered across the water. It was a peaceful time.

We had taken to doing lines of cocaine inside our cabin. A neat energy boost with a rush and if you did enough the high would eventually come. Five-hundred milligrams was my limit. Three-hundred-fifty for Cassie. The both of us constantly looked for an escape. Turns out, the best escape was each other.

Cassie held a blue bathing suit up. “Do you think this looks good on me?” It had cost one-twenty-five. Barely anything compared to the money we’d steal.

“Looks beautiful darling. You planning a swim?”

She smiled and kissed me. “That or skinny dipping.”

“Well, it’s a little too cold for that.”

“You’re just shy.”

“Well, there’s no one around. You could just do that yourself.”

I leaned back and played with my phone. I mumbled words and Cassie turned to me. “What’s up?”

“I think I’m gonna call my mom but I don’t have service. Can I use your phone?”

“Sure.”

I dialed in the number and it was instantly picked up. “Hello?”

“Hey mom.”

A pause ensued, and then a shrill scream. “You haven’t called me in years! I haven’t even seen you! What the hell’s happened to you?”

“Nothing mom. I’ve been traveling.”

“Well, can you come home? Your father’s sick and your little brother dearly misses you, you know. Hell, we had thanksgiving and your aunt Heather brought your name up, and I swear I nearly cried. I just can’t believe you’d call. Please talk to me.”

“Yes mom. I’m talking to you.”

Cassie frowned and stripped her clothes off. She put on her bathing suit and headed outside.

“Mom. How are you doing? Can you calm down?”

“You know me, son. I am never calm. My therapist says I’m borderline something or whatever. I was at the store shopping around and had one of my panic attacks. God, I swear son, some days I just can’t take it anymore—plus, with your father being sick our finances have gone down the shitter—“

“I’ll talk to you later, alright?”

“Okay. I love you!”

“Love you too, mom. Tell dad I said hi.”

Cassie came back inside dressed in the suit. She left the door open the warm autumn air blew in. “Would you go swimming with me in the lake?”

“Sure just give me a moment.”

“Okay!”

I finished rolling a blunt and lit it with the match. I leaned back and took a few puffs. My eyes slowly grew red and the edge was taken away. Loopy feelings ensued and I took a deep sigh. Everything would be alright, my mind said. My muscles relaxed and I nearly fell asleep.

* * *

At a neon-stripped bar in Atlanta, Georgia. Music pounding. Ears ringing. Lights blaring all ahead. Cassandra stood on the dance floor and pounded her feet to the song. I watched from far away while I sipped on scotch. Wasn’t much of a dancer.

The music switched from techno to hip-hop and it made me want to shut it off. I ordered another scotched and chugged it fast. Then headed into the bathroom for a line. My nose bled and became caked with blood. I came out and began dancing with Cassie.

She was a swift angel that could do no harm. Whenever her blue eyes would meet mine I’d quiver. Her heart was the only thing that could make the numbness go away. Fill up the empty. Take the broken lock off my heart and shove something inside. She was perfect.

Lost in the haze of misdirection, I had nearly forgotten to pay attention. It seemed that life was passing further and further away from me. Most things had lost their meaning. But there was one fixation that could fix me. Cassie.

Back at the hotel, I went into the bathroom for a short second. I came out and saw the balcony door open. I went outside and Cassie was standing on the ledge, dress blowing in the wind. “Cass! What the hell?” I grabbed her shoulders and forced her to the ground. “You can’t fucking do that!”

Tears began running and her mascara was smeared. She reached around and slapped me hard on the face. A red hand print was left behind in the rubble. “You should’ve just allowed me to die! God, I can’t take it anymore!”

“I need you, you know! Without you, I’d rather die too! You’re staying for alive for me! For yourself!”

She stood up and took off running downstairs. I fled down the elevator and found her at the bar crying. I took a seat. “Can we just talk about this? Please?”

She wiped her tears and smeared her eyeliner around. Black was now painted on her face. “I lied, you know. I lie a lot. I never lived in L.A; I’m from Seattle but have no family. I’m an orphan, and God—my foster father treated me like shit. But all I wanna do is return there!”

“Then we’ll go. We’ll leave right now. Can you just promise me you’ll cut this shit out?”

“Okay.” She whined. “I’ll be alright.”

“Good. I need you, you know.”

* * *

We were headed up to Seattle but made a quick pit stop in Las Vegas. We stayed at the Tropicana and played poker. We had lost hundreds but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered as much as we had thought. That we had figured out shortly.

At the card table Cassie sat beside with me a vodka martini. I was drinking a nice glass of scotch. We were both disheveled and hadn’t slept much in days. But this time, Cass was winning again. I’d soon be out of two-hundred dollars. And that money would be going straight to her.

I folded and whispered in her ear, “I’m running to the bathroom for another line.”

“Okay.” She said. “Just be safe.”

“I will.”

Lately I had taken to doing heroin. We found good snow white and I dumped it all on the tray. I did one and then I did a second one. A warm euphoria flooded my body and I sat down on the tiles. I wasn’t ever going to be clean. There was no point in it.

Laying down, I thought back to all the times on this aimless road trip. It had been three years now since I had left home. Time just kept passing by, faster and faster in a haze. There was no point to anything. No reason to speak to anyone besides my angel. She was mine and I was hers. Together forever.

After our stint in Vegas we’d be heading directly up to Washington. Cassie had no plans to see her shitty foster family. She just wanted to be “home” again for a while. That I kind of understood. But with me, I never wanted to be home.

I closed my eyes and fell back on the floor. I had done too much and my heart began beating weird. A sick and uneasy feeling began in my stomach. My eyes rolled back and I coughed up spittle. I fell into blackness.

Cassandra found me on the floor and I woke back up to the sound of sobbing. “What the hell did you do?” She cried.

I couldn’t speak. I turned and saw a needle on the floor. She had injected narcan into me. I had just survived my first overdose.

“Please talk to me. Please wake up and please talk to me. Please.”

“I’m alive, I swear.” I mumbled.

“Jesus, you scared the shit out of me. Do you even know what time it is?”

I sat up and coughed. “No. Fuck, how long was I out?”

“You were gone for an hour so I came in and checked on you. It’s been two hours and I just thought I had lost you.”

“Well, I’m not gonna die that easy. Nothing’ll take me.”

“Just promise me you’ll quit the smack.”

“Well, I don’t really want too.”

“No. Promise me.”

I sighed. I had no choice. It was killing me. The withdrawals wouldn’t be too bad as I had just started on it. I hoped it would only be intense cravings but I didn’t know much about heroin. I just never should’ve started it.

“Fine. I’ll quit.”

She wiped tears and hugged me. “Thank you.” She said. “Thank you. Thank you.”

* * *

We had reached Seattle in two days. Cassie explored the streets at night and would return in the morning to our motel. Our room didn’t have internet or a television. It was just a cheap stay in a cheap place. But she was home and she couldn’t be happier.

The same night we had decided to go barhopping around the city. We were at our second bar for the evening and I was almost completely torn up. My head was spinning and everything just felt warm. More and more scotch was just heavenly.

But there was a problem. There had become an increasing divide between me and her. It started once we reached Seattle. She wanted to stay. I wanted to leave and spend my life in motion. I had begun to feel increasingly isolated and separate from people. They looked like Martians to me with big fat googly eyes. None of them were real. None of them spoke to me.

At the counter, I turned to her and said, “Something’s off with you. You still wanna stay here?”

“Haven’t fully decided yet.”

“Well, I don’t. Might just go back to L.A. for a moment.”

“You aren’t a homebody you know. You got problems.”

“Problems? Like what kind?”

She laughed and said, “Like with connection and intimacy. I feel like I know nothing about you. Do I even know your real name?”

“I’d like to keep somethings impersonal and secret. You don’t have to know everything.”

She swallowed a gulp of her drink and set it on the counter. Her face turned to a frown. “Well, I wanna stay.”

“So no more road trips with me?”

She paused for a moment. “We want different things.”

“That much is clear.”

“I’ll stay and you can continue on your road trip.”

“No, Cass. This isn’t your home. It’s not even mine. Please, just a few extra days with me?”

“Forgive me, but you’re acting insane. I’m staying and that’s that.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes. Seriously. My mind is made up.”

I sighed and drank down more scotch. She wanted to get an apartment and I wanted to leave. As is common with this life, all good things must come to an end. I had to let my beautiful little bird fly away. “Before we go our separate ways,” I said, “Let’s make one more night out of this. Go barhopping some more. See the fountains. Eat at a restaurant. Grab one more motel room.”

She smiled and took my hand. “That sounds sweet. It’s a deal.”

We finished our drinks and headed on our way. Three more bars and more lines of coke. More joints rolled and more joints smoked. We saw the fountain park and screwed on the benches, our clothes tossed to the side. We trespassed on the golf course and laid on the sopping wet grass together.

Returning to our motel room, she seemed alright with things. I was okay to let her go. I had returned to the same monotony I had known my entire life. But things would be different. Maybe not worse and maybe not better. Just different.

“I’m sorry to let you go, you know.” She said.

“Same here. I just hope you find what you’re looking for.”

She hugged me. “But will you?”

“One day I might. But I wouldn’t count on it.” I said.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

We embraced and she kissed me. The night would be over soon.